I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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