I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize