ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
