I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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