be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
