There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
