The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
