I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
