Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
