i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
