I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
