i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
foreskin is a definite game changer
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
