omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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