Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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