Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
