My friends, they love my intelligence
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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