i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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