Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
