Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
