Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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