We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
