Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
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