I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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