Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Randomize