He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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