just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
