And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize