i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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