A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
