Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
