I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
