The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize