How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize