I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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