I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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