When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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