Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
