My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
