nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
where are my eyebrows?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
