alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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