At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
