it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
