I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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