I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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