I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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