He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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