this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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