I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
