i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
bring money and cleavage
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
