I'm going to jail i love you
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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