The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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