She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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