Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
