I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
