I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize