morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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