i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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