it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
