thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
