Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
