At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
