Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
