saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
