Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
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