I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize