apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
