apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
